Liberated Butterfly!!

Liberated Butterfly....

When my elder daughter was born. I was so excited and thrilled; I did all I could as a mother to make life beautiful for my little baby. I even quit my career to spend time with her, to not miss her 'first times’. I wanted to play with her, give her the best and to teach her all things which I had learnt & more. Put her in one of the best Montessori School, bought her best of toys & clothes. I wanted to even send her later to the best IG school. But sadly, we didn’t manage to get admission there. I must be a lucky mother as I remember my baby saying, ‘I am sure mamma that God has a plan for my life and knows which school is best for me.’

I was a proud mother! A mother who never understood why all mothers cribbed about school, their children or the curriculum & teachers. My child was good at it all and was doing it all perfect. Mine was The Best!! She did all that I told her to, very obedient and was a responsible child too.

I was so much in love with her. I loved displaying her talents, her best behavior, her politeness and her intelligence with close family and friends. After all her teachers were proud of her, so was her principal and her dance teacher. Without a thought, I proudly used to announce to family n friends of all her achievements. Most of those things which she did was impossible for me to do at that age. Then one day my hubby commented, "She isn't a doll on display item, just stop making her live your dreams!!"

That’s when it struck me.

Was it really necessary for her to match up to my ambitions? Would that make her less ambitious? Gosh!!

Why do I need her to bring me more glory by participating in all events or expect her to win/stand first or score well for herself when I myself have been an average student???

Would that make her less competitive? Or

Would I feel insecure and bad since her teachers expected more of her? Will she lose out on that confidence they showed in her? Or

Would other parents who gave her as an example to their own kids laugh at us, if she didn't do well according to society expectations??

What if my idea of success is different from her idea of it?

I as parent, really needed to let my child BE!!

No expectations!!

No projections!!

I needed to let her live her dream, not mine!!

That is when I decided to sit and talk it out openly with her. All she said was mamma, I love it when you guide and teach me, and how you don't have expectations like other mothers and nor are you disappointed like other moms when it comes to getting grades or losing a game at school. I know I am intelligent but feel that I need to do my best and will do my best as you say, I won't disappoint you!

She was hardly seven, but her last line really hit me hard.

WON'T DISSAPPOINT YOU!!??

Frankly, I have always been a motivator, always encouraging her to do more. I always told her that she is born intelligent and should do better for herself...not knowing that this too, was a part of the unconscious expectation I had of her, an expectation to unconsciously show the social circles.

It is my responsibility to teach my children life skills and empathy, to inculcate in them qualities which will make them mentally healthy. It is my responsibility to take care of their physical health and fitness, and also to help them look within to harbour their own dreams. And yes, it is indeed my responsibility to guide them in their quest for finding their own ground and NOT push them to chase my dreams. But I never realized in life when my motivation turned into pride.

Did I teach my child wrong? Was I putting my baggage of social conditioning & expectations upon her vulnerable shoulders?? It was really hard for me to accept that upfront!! No Never!! Not Me!!

Children don’t need to be made to believe that they should do their parents proud!! If they aim to become fine, sensitive and independent human beings, it should be for their own selves and not for us.

That one statement shook me very badly and I decided to introspect into my own conditioning. It took me a while to come to terms with how the so-called motivation had an ulterior motive. It was difficult at first to even accept that I had an issue, but over the years managed to mindfully change those beliefs in myself. These episodes of social expectations and my conditioned mind crop up even now at times. I remember one such episode when she appeared for her boards. Well, the only excuse was but she needs those percentages high cause of cutoffs in college admissions. I know went wrong out there. But mindfulness comes to help most of the times.... saying, 'Let them BE!!'

I have seen terrific changes in both my children, even with the ups and downs of bringing about that change in my mindset towards their upbringing as a mother. What amazes me more is how they have matured as individuals. And the last two years of lockdown, further amazed me as I was introduced to a whole bunch of mothers like me who firmly believed in "Letting the Children Be" by either homeschooling or unschooling their children. And, all thanks to this whole list of homeschooling mothers, especially Heena, Malissa and Supriya Raj ji, I saw a whole new world of education and parental mindset. Furthermore, on listening to what is happening within the school and expectations of the parents of my child's previous school, I am glad that I am homeschooling my little one this year.

Today, both my children have their own sense of identity, own way of looking at education, finance, religious views, health, friends, social life, and life in general and they amaze me.

A dear friend once shared her concern about parents who yet look at their children with encumbering eyes and who have set mindsets towards their child’s performance, be it at physical school or homeschooling or in society. But guess it’s a choice which each one has to consciously make for themselves.

We are all proud of our children, but is this pride making your ego feel good? Or

Is it with knowing that they will survive, grow & learn on their own terms using their own minds & be independent individuals?

Is your pride making them carry our baggage of conditioned expectations? Or

Is it in just letting them be who they are?

For those who are touched by this sharing, I urge you to look within yourself, because in letting them be, will build our relationship with them and make them achieve much more and make them more confident in themselves as choices would then come from their heart and not from parents, teachers or society at large. Help your children have their own identity and the joy and passion with which they want to live their life, and you will enjoy the fruits they will reap for you.

#education

#children

#childhood

#parenthood

#upbringing